The one important life lesson I learned from playing Monopoly is that you’ve got to start out with money or you can’t rightly play the game.

Can I get a ticket for Driving While Eating Chipotle?

I just saw the license plate “AMPUTIF” and wondered to myself if that was an apéritif made from amputees.

I was just talking to a kid about tap water and told him that bromide is the fraternity chemical. My talents are being wasted here.

People with mohawks are egregiously misrepresented by the film and television industries. Shame on you, Hollywood!

Restaurant commercials are funny because they’re probably filmed in L.A. They just go to the restaurant itself to find an aspiring actress.

Now that I think about it, the M&M’s people should have saved that @RealMeatLoaf song for their unveiling of beefy “Meatloaf M&M’s.” @MyMMs

I wish my phone number was 1 digit off from a Siemens office.

I just heard that Meatloaf song in that M&M commercial, and in my head I was singing “…And I will do aaaany ching-chong drugs.”

Apparently, Candlebox is playing Riot Room, but I misread the marquee as “CANOLE BOX” and now I just want a box of cannolis.

How much time is normal to spend wishing a rich person would hit me with their car?

Yo, so what’s it gonna take to get a Pacquiao-Tyson world concert tour?

This bag of garlic bulbs says “Discover roasted garlic.” If I think about people who don’t know about roasted garlic, it makes me sad.

This movie The Impossible should be called “We Know You Won’t Care About A Natural Disaster Storyline Unless There Are White People.”

I’m gonna open an Asperger’s bar full of TVs and places to sit and charge your phone while you talk to no one. Drinks ordered by mobile app.

I’m gonna open an Asperger’s bar full of TVs and places to sit and charge your phone while you talk to no one. Drinks ordered by mobile app.

Could someone please explain to me the difference between The Secret and the Scarlet Witch? #Fiction

If Cartman and Droopy had a test-tube gay lovechild that grew up to be a rapper, his voice would probably sound about the same as Lil Wayne.

I’m pretty good at multitasking. I’m not very good at unitasking.

Okay, enough police sirens in songs, you assholes. I’m trying to drive.

I wonder how many Georgia punx aren’t extras in The Walking Dead.

RIP Ravi Shankar… sorry that almost everyone who likes you is a hippie.

Only a few stimuli are certain to be capable of causing insanity. Among the most well known are LSD, brain injury, and Christmas music.

Words With Friends really seems to think I’m looking to meet hot single white men. No wonder Google’s advertising algorithms sell so well.

Brook Lopez 1) has a girl’s name. 2) in a fedora would look like a Dick Tracy villain. 3) looks like Justin Timberlake if he were a caveman.

I only liked Lamar Hunt as Claire’s dad on Heroes until the end of the first season.

You lost me at “acoustic.”

Fuck every DJ for fading out of “The Humpty Dance” before @TheRealShockG says “Samoans!”

I just played video games for two hours instead of getting money OR fucking bitches. Dolemite would be so disappointed.

More things than minds should be boggled.

CollegeHumor is usually dumb. Is there a GradSchoolHumor or something? MensaHumor?

I know Mormons think that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri, but Eve had to have been a Kansas girl.

If you elect me President, “The 99%” will come to represent the portion of the population that will be indiscriminately exterminated.

I credit gangsta rap for teaching me my cardinal directions.

I found you, Vishnu booty.

Hey, @BarackObama, if I vote for you, will you fund @NPR enough that I won’t ever have to listen to @KCUR’s pledge drive again?

Always a pallbearer, never a groomsman.

When I’m at the bank, I try to walk away with the pen if they don’t have it chained up. In my mind, that makes me a bank robber.

I’m glad RGIII is on my fantasy football team and not my fantasy hairstyle team.

I’m gonna start laughing like The Count from Sesame Street at regular jokes, which I can only spell in Samoan: ‘a ‘a ‘a ‘a…

The word “proverbial” is way more fun to misuse than is “literally.”

I take solace in the supposition that if all possibilities exist somewhere, there’s a world where the things that went wrong for me, didn’t.

Yahweh’s replacement referees are really making shitty judgment calls at this year’s Yom Kippur.

Pinterest feels like everyone I scroll past on facebook posting all the pictures from the ads on their facebook sidebar.

Carnival sideshows are obsolete. Not because they’re cruel/insensitive, but I drive by bus stops all day and it’s the same thing for free.

I think if I was a Republican, I wouldn’t want to run against @BarackObama. Kenyans are really good at running.

What kind of fucked up economy is this where I have a degree, a full-time job with benefits, and I feel like a loser for not waiting tables?

I find the term “gobbledy-gook” to be offensive to Korean turkeys.

I passed an 18-wheeler for a charity called Convoy of Hope. I’ve been in America long enough to know that’s newspeak for Truck Fulla Bombs.

If I were God, I’d probably completely ignore humans and never help them, too.

Ice Cube is finna fuck up Marvin. #MSL @MarsCuriosity

One of the perks of an expansive vocabulary is that your phone doesn’t get as confused when you type long words.

I’d probably watch The New Girl if they fired that hole Zooey Deschanel, and got rid of everyone except the brown girl, and if it was porn.

I never understood the controversy over gays in the military. Anyone of ANY gender should not have a relationship with a military person.

“What if there was a place… where eating… felt more like dining?” ~ absurd Ruby Tuesday television commercial.

Romans must have only been able to read a few words periodically at nighttime.

All the coughs you didn’t cough because of a cough drop (TRIPLE PART OF SPEECH SCORE) come out in a rush the instant that thing dissolves.

Hey Buddhists, exactly how much bad karma do I need to garner to come back as a lion? Those dudes seem to have a good system in place.

Dear God, when I said I was trying to get my dick wet, I hadn’t anticipated that errant spray from the kitchen sink while doing the dishes.

4:00 is a good time to hit on that waitress.

Can ICP actually even juggle?

RIP Rodney King. We’re all getting along now, thanks.

This kid’s shirt from a fire dept says “FIRE EXPLORER” on the back. White people: “This whole place is on fire! Let’s explore it!”

I dunno who does this “I’ll catch a grenade for ya” song but I wish somebody would hurry up and throw one.

Girl, you and I could have a good time together… if you’d learn to stop asking me what I think about the stuff you like.

Getting out of bed on my day off is kind of like trying to bite off my own finger. It’s physically possible, but my mind won’t let me do it.

I just passed a guy that I thought was driving with a Guy Fawkes mask on, but it turned out that was just his face.

I’m fairly certain that Chief Keef’s next single will be titled “I LIKE POTATO!!!!”

When you click “Next Episode” on Netflix TV shows, it might as well play Snoop Dogg because that’s all I hear in my head while it loads.

This band Deer Tick sounds like some dads put together a band to try to look cool to their 10 year old sons at a backyard birthday party.

When fried chicken joints are closed, the drive-thru speaker should be set to play a recording of “CAN’T BUY A BUCKET!”

When there’s actually parking behind my flat, I think about how everyone else must be getting laid.

Do environmentalists realize that their ideas will lead to the extended survival of the human race? That doesn’t seem very ethical to me.

i’m trying to put bandaids on my legs but they all hover ¼ in. over the surface. #hirsutemanproblems

When liberals tell me I need to “be more open-minded,” I picture a little girl sticking her tongue out at me for lack of a precise retort.

I hope that the people who leave places like Portland and Asheville are as cool as the people who move there aren’t.

If somebody ever asks me why the sky is blue, next time I’m going to tell them it’s because blue sunlight is retarded. #PhysicsHumor

I think we could get more teenagers to be interested in becoming union workers if more projects called for the use of a “ball-peen hammer.”

If your family would disown you because you’re gay or atheist or in an interracial relationship, stop being a wuss and disown them first.

Surprised @BarrySanders was at the draft. That dude’s like the J.D. Salinger of American football.

I found you, Vishnu booty.

The cop car behind me a minute ago had a headlight out, but I couldn’t figure out how to pull them over and give a citizen’s warning.

I know I’m a nerd because I just saw the license plate “UNICRN” and thought Unicron before unicorn.

Latin cultures in Europe and the Americas are all beginning to make me raise the same question: Did Julius Caesar have a faux-hawk?

Ike Turner’s probably watching Chris Brown continue to be popular like WTF?

Hey everybody, I’ve gone 24 hours without a beer! Let’s not make it 25.

I think Nick Cannon thinks he’s Black or something.

Draw Something is a great app that I would recommend to anyone who likes mobile phones to have dead batteries in them.

Every time I hear Demetri Martin, I miss Mitch Hedberg.

Dancehall is like kryptonite to white people.

If you’re going to kill yourself, I think December 21st this year would be funny, just so people wonder if you were in some armageddon cult.

“Kind of a ho” is easily one of my favorite word combinatons.

“Be prepared to receive something special with no strings attached.” I think the fortune cookie company knows about the “…in bed” game.

If you have a boy and name him “He Who Must Not Be Named,” he will probably kill you when he gets older, because you had it coming.

I’m beginning to think these fortune cookies don’t know what they’re talking about.

Lady at Panera called out “Kim,” made eye contact with me. First thought: “Do I look Korean to you?”

This #YOLO shit is for herbs. It’s obviously unoriginal to repeat this memetic acronym that a bunch of other niggas say.

Just saw that new Taco Bell commercial with the Black Eyed Peas’ jingle, “Let’s Get It Sharted!”

I think the collective noun for cats should be “conspiracy.” A conspiracy of cats. If you see a bunch together… they’re up to something.

Self-esteem is for losers.