So, I hate that my coworker always gets here first and plugs in his router. Mainly because I’m a nerd with leet Newegg shopping skillz, so I’m pretty certain that my router is better. Plus, his has security on it and he doesn’t know his own password so I have to press the button on it and can’t just save it.
Anyway, today I had a coworker from a different dorm call and ask if he could use mine. I was on the other guy’s, so I let him. Then they call and send this guy to another dorm and he takes the router with him, so here I am with no internets, save for my phone. Aren’t you glad you read all that?
Published by A:42, on January 26th, 2012 at 11:34 pm. • No Comments
If you’re going to ruin your children, at least ruin them into something cool.
Yo, I don’t really watch TV unless I’m at my mom’s, and I don’t have cable anyway, so I’ve never seen this show. It’s most indubitably despicable beyond my already bleak expectations, though.
The article says she’s addicted to soda, which means she’s gonna be her mom’s size by like age eight. I’m gonna go ahead and say it though, some kids are ugly. This kid is ugly. That’s great that you want her to have confidence and whatnot, but it’s just gonna make all of her fucked up girl complexes exponentially exacerbated by the time she hits adolescence.
I mean, I get that it’s cute, for a few minutes of video. But looking at that girl as a real actual humanoid thing person, I would want to keep that entire subspecies away from my life situation and that. I don’t know whether to laugh or plot a terrorist attack on the solar system. If “honey boo-boo child” becomes the next “winning,” I’m doing it.
If you have a kid, it’s cool to try to teach them whatever you’ve learned in life, but try not to pass them your insecurities along with that or they’re going to make the same mistakes. That kid’s gonna have his/her own story. They’re not your reset button.
p.s. In case of zombies, rob the shit out of these people. Supplies, supplies.
Published by A:42, on January 6th, 2012 at 1:25 am. • No Comments
“In a dream, we are connected: Siamese twins at the wrist. Then, I knew we’d been forsaken.
Expelled from paradise. I can’t believe them when they say that it’s alright.”
Here’s to another year of wandering through miserable, barren stretches of Nod! Snacking on insect shit and cactus flowers! I might as well be staring at a mirror and waiting for it to look like the Cryptkeeper, at least that would give me a goddamn goal! The whole Earth is a hamster wheel and I broke my ankle off in it eight years ago! At least drown me in beer before you forget I exist!
HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT. Where’s the Tylenol?
Published by A:42, on December 30th, 2011 at 9:42 pm. • No Comments
Typing this instead of watching where I’m going at all. Americaaaa…
These new crosswalk signals that make sounds have me laughing to myself in public. If you press the button while it’s red, it sternly repeats “WAIT. WAIT.” Like, damn, I wouldn’t have pressed it if I knew you were gonna yell at me. Then the sound to tell you to cross just sounds like a toy machine gun. Maybe they thought it’d get people to cross faster. “Run, nigga, they shootin!” I guess that’s for all the yuppies that think the Plaza is the hood now.
The H&M here looks a lot less chaotic than the one in Chicago. That shit looked like a thousand closets were dumped haphazardly into a surplus table warehouse.
Why the fuck am I in Barnes & Noble searching for a book on my phone, then realizing it’s out of stock here and cheaper on Pricegrabber anyway? I could have done this shit at home.
I also saw Amy Sedaris’s book “Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People” when I was browsing the humor section. That’s a perfect gift for any hipster you know if you want them to look more awful and gaudy than you ever thought possible. Lost respect for Ms. Sedaris on this one.
Must be ponx day at B&N. I saw one of the guitarists from Pizza Party Massacre, and some kid complimented my Toxic Narcotic back patch.
Welp. Guess I came here for nothing. At least it’s not cold and I can stare creepily at rich girls that are leagues out of my league.
We should all be thankful for people that play loud rap music as they drive through the Plaza. It drowns out the panhandler saxophone Christmas songs and hippie bongo-acoustic tandems.
Okay, bedtime.
Published by A:42, on December 28th, 2011 at 4:24 pm. • No Comments
I assume that anyone who likes Christmas music has never worked in a service job. I used to work at a movie theatre. You know the “MovieTunes” you hear before the previews start or when you’re walking through the hallways? That CD is a half hour long. Do the math. A thirty minute CD looped on an eight hour shift. I heard the same stuff sixteen times a day for a month. By the end of the month, you even hate the one or two good songs that made it into the mix. December’s playlist was a special brand of torture. There are songs that I refuse to mention, out of the kindness of my heart, lest they get stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
However, if you find one of those wretched tunes jingling its way into your subconscious, there are ways to get them out. Maybe this list of underplayed seasonal and anti-X-mas joints could be a start. But mostly, it’s just a list of holiday songs that don’t make me want to strangle a baby in a church.
15. OFWGKTA – “Fuck This Christmas”
This chorus made me LOLz. I was also going to include Tyler’s “Fuck Santa” just because of the line “What the fuck is Kwanzaa?”
14. Lemmy Kilmister, Billy Gibbons, and Dave Grohl – “Run Rudolph Run”
I was trying to avoid including versions of well-known songs, but Lemmy of Motörhead, Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, and Dave Grohl of Nirvana/Foo Fighters/Probot/whatever… covering a Chuck Berry hit? Fuck it. Posting it.
13. The Damned – “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause”
Best song title on the list. By the way, children: Santa’s not real. Look it up.
12. Otis Redding & Carla Thomas – “New Year’s Resolution”
New Year’s is probably a good time to begin a relationship. Or, celebrating your anniversary at the same time as the calendar is a good way to make the math easier for forgetful men. And like this song suggests, long-term relationships could probably benefit from a New Year’s resolution to try to clean the slate if you’re aiming to be doing the same next year.
11. De La Soul – “Millie Pulled A Pistol On Santa”
Leave it to me to post the Christmas song about rape and incest. Apparently, Atmosphere wrote a pretty solid sequel to this song a couple years ago. I just found that out while looking this up.
10. The Lonely Island ft. Justin Timberlake – “Dick In A Box”
Maybe this is an obvious one, but it was an instant classic of sorts. Funny enough to want to hear again, but maybe not more than annually. Plus it includes Chanukah and Kwanzaa. Not sure if it’s got staying power, but you kinda forget it’s related to the holidays til some cheeky DJ drops it at their “Sexxxy X-Mas” or “Holla-day” or whatever cornball party name they went with.
9. FEAR – “Fuck Christmas”
Lee Ving says pretty much exactly what you would expect him to say about Christmas or anything.
8. Snoop Doggy Dogg ft. Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee – “Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto”
Death Row crew track with requisite video. I almost posted Yellowman’s “Santa Claus Never Comes To The Ghetto” to address this particular issue, but the list was getting long. I was also gonna post Eazy-E’s “Merry Muthafuckin’ X-Mas,” but it’s got a bunch of tunes from real Christmas songs and like I said, I’m trying to avoid getting those stuck in your head.
7. Nigger Kojak – “Christmas Style”
So, if any of you know me well, you should know that Althea & Donna’s “Uptown Top Ranking” on the “I’m Still In Love With You”/”Three Piece Suit” riddim is possibly my all-time favorite song of any genre. This tune is Nigger Kojak’s take on Althea & Donna’s hit… with Christmas lyrics. And you just can’t go wrong with a Joe Gibbs imprint.
6. The Treacherous Three – “Xmas Rap”
Does Beat Street count as a Christmas movie? I’m willing to include it if Die Hard counts. RIP Ramo.
5. Eric Idle – “Fuck Christmas”
Monty Python’s Eric Idle reads my mind.
4. Atmosphere – “If I Was Santa Claus”
So, this is more a song about feeling impotent to act on your generous impulses and being unable to create the type of change you would like to see in the world as well as your personal life. But uh… I guess that’s a pretty common sentiment around the holidays. Not being able to afford the gifts you’d want to give someone. Feeling like you should probably be helping some charity in the first place, and then not doing it because you feel too broke or jaded to be magnanimous.
3. The Vandals – “Oi! To The World!”
The Vandals have an entire Christmas album, but this is the song that took off. Brown & white / punx & skins unity Christmas anthem? Sure. No Doubt did a cover of it in the ’90s, and made a video for it, if you remember that one.
2. Run-DMC – “Christmas In Hollis”
You can’t tell me you’re not hungry for chicken and greens right now. “A ill reindeer!”
1. The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl – “Fairytale of New York”
This is the only Christmas song. This is the only reason I wrote this article; the rest was just filler, to be honest. It’s perfect. I guess maybe I’m just waiting to find a girl that will stay with me even if I am a “cheap, lousy faggot” who took all her dreams. RIP Kirsty MacColl.
p.s. I came across a whole YouTube channel from user RastaClaus85 that has… a bunch of reggae Christmas songs. Most of them are just traditional songs innareggaestylee.
Published by A:42, on December 19th, 2011 at 2:27 pm. • No Comments
#firstworldproblems
